horrifying tales from the deep south

Well us Yanks survived our trip to the South, where astro vans get pushed along main roads and confederate flags are displayed with pride. Seeing as it's almost Halloween, we thought we'd share some of our scariest stories from the trip!

***DISCLAIMER*** ALL UNIVERSITY NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO SOMETHING FAR MORE OFFENSIVE.

1) Upon arrival, we realized we were not the only mockers staying in our hotel! Oh no, how will we win Spirit of AMTA when the other team hears us talking shit over coffee and bagels in the morning?! Who are we kidding, we'll never win Spirit of AMTA with our current cast of characters. However, one of our mockers had bye-busted in the Cornfields of Iowa with another guest at the hotel. Hailing from a southern school, this sophomore contributed to one of the worst trials I have ever witnessed. After convincing us she gave the plaintiff opening, she delivered an opening statement that would make you cry, and not in a good way. There was actually a moment where she knelt on the ground to simulate the way Drew Walton checked Lane Hamilton's pulse. We won that trial, only because we hit Golden Gate Community College whose entire case theory was that Drew Walton actually killed Lane Hamiliton.

2) The program that considers itself the Ivy League of Ohio was also in attendance last weekend. Now let's discuss a few things about this private college that is so full of itself, it puts us to shame. If you hail from a "college town" where the typical attire includes a Northface, Sperry Topsiders and a Ralph Lauren shirt with at least a 5 inch logo emblazoned on the chest, why the fuck can't you get it together for trial?! This school consistently looks ridiculous, and I'm not just talking about the psuedo boyscout outfit your FEMALE Hunter Baxamusa wore. I am talking about how every single girl in the program thinks it's acceptable and attractive to style their hair as if attending a 1998 prom at Talawanda High School. You look as silly as the "townies" you make fun of all the time.

3) One of our teams hit the aforementioned team, while we'll leave trial details unsaid, I will say this, I hope AMTA sanctions your ass so hard at regionals. If your program is so great, why don't you know the rules?

4) Perhaps the scariest of all: my teams trial versus NTSU (Non-Traditional Student University). This team actually does fairly well for as insane as they all are. Why is that? Well it's easy to win points as a witness when you are the ACTUAL AGE of the witness. Also, some teams find it difficult to cross a mocker who could be their parent or grandparent. We laid the smackdown, first of all, but additionally, let's throw out some quotes from their 55 year old Jackie Owens,"Detective Finch gave me bruises, so many bruises (insert impeachment here) well I didn't include it because I didn't want to get her in trouble..."
"I can't pay off my gambling debts because I'm paying so much for my legal team"
"I don't know what this unsigned threat letter is, this is a movie script! The prosecution labled it wrong in my affidavit"

...and you got a four on cross. I got a ten. Thanks chica!!

So many more horrifying stories about southern judges, wet exhibits and the love child of Philip Seymour Huffman and Elton John, but we're all out of time. Check us out next week!

C&C

inagural post

Where we're from, each season starts with a party called the "inagural bash." It's a good time to introduce our newbies to all the good things about mock trial, like mockcest and binge drinking. Unfortunately, we can't host an inagural bash for the start of this blog, mostly because it's totally anonymous and only C, C and DBT know about it. Another reason is that it's invitationals season, and two of our teams are heading to heading north to compete. A few of our other teams just got back from a little tournament in the south a few days ago. (Half) our program competed and we raked in the awards, plus scored a nice trophy for being in the top eight. See the next post for complete details on all the exciting things that happened while we were there. Signing off and offering good luck to our other two teams this weekend!!

C&C