For those not in the know, perjuries.com is the college mock trial message board, I saw this and had to post, it's just too funny not to.
1. OVERZEALOUS ROOKIE
Overzealous rookie is either a huge asset to your mock trial program or a gigantic pain in the ass, depending on the situation. Common traits of this person include registering an account on perjuries as a junior in high school, wondering why the team captains are so incompetent, playing devil's advocate in strategic discussions for the sole purpose of showcasing their skills and eventually becoming team captain themselves 2 years later. Overzealous rookie's seemingly unending motivation and eagerness are nostalgically appreciated by the team's hardcore veteran mockers but quietly loathed by less intense members of the roster whose social life-to-mock trial ratio is less out of whack. Overzealous rookie, depending on level of previous mock trial experience, will lobby for better roles on the team, impressing the coaches/captains and pissing off everyone else. 90% of cases of Overzealous Rookie include a 2-year high school captain whose raw skills are strong but do not yet include mastery of nuances in the Midlands Rules of Evidence...Thus, overzealous rookie may try to argue celebrity sex tapes are records of regularly conducted activity-and sound excellent/polished doing it before getting totally shot down.
2. SWAG OFF THE CUFF
When Swag Off The Cuff delivers their closing, you feel smooth, you feel dandy, you feel like you just watched an episode of Law & Order SVU-only with less departure from actual trial procedure. Forget your last fall invitational tournament, this person was off notes when they came out of the womb and scored a 170 on the LSAT practice test they took in 8th grade. Usually a gifted sophomore or junior who is awkwardly more skilled than the team veterans, but is swag enough to pull that off without coming across as a douche. A confident presence who makes everyone else around them better, Michael Jordan style. Swag Off The Cuff be seen gently guiding the elderly across the street or administering CPR when the scoring judge starts having a stroke.
3. LAST MINUTE GOLDEN CHILD
Last Minute Golden Child is the coach/captains' worst nightmare. You put this person in major roles, because their skillset is top notch, however, a week before regionals, this person claims to have 3 exams and "will fail out of school" if she comes to every practice that week. You try to explain to this person that their cross-examination of Dawn Francis is the key to victory, and everyone's GPA has to take a little suckerpunch this week...No dice. 20 minutes before practice you still get a text message about this person's dead great aunt, sad smiley face, sad smiley face. After 48 hours of freaking out and preparing a latenight War Room backup plan if this person mysteriously falls ill and can't attend regionals, Last Minute Golden Child scores straight 10's and may be the very reason you made ORCS. Phew.
3. MEDIOCRE SOUTHERN/BRITISH ACCENT
Is it flawless? Is it shitty? Since nobody on your team has ever lived south of Washington DC for more than 3 weeks, noone really knows. And no amount of YouTube videos or Rosetta Stone imitation will help. We know Shannon Stark is from the South, but for the love of God, no. No. No. After weeks of team debate, you decide to go for it, and surprisingly get ranked top witness by both judges in Round 2. Then in Round 4, you score two 7's with no rankings and lose the round by 2 points. Moral of the story: if it isn't flawless or authentic, don't do it? Maybe?
4. I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE MY CO-COUNSEL, BILL O'REILLY and RACHEL MADDOW
Your conservatives and uber liberal feminist teammates are fine discussing the cross-examination of Detective Lee, but when the discussion segues elsewhere, bail before you have to mop up the bloodshed. Sooo how about those White Sox?
5. WEEPING WILLOW
This person is convinced they can cry convincingly on the witness stand, but no one else is, as you've told them 28 times at 28 separate practices. You get to the tournament and hear them sobbing in the hotel bathroom. Are they going to defy you in trial or did their dog actually just die? They get on the stand and cry anyway. No amount of horrific comments sheets and scores of 6 can convince this person they were any less than superb, their mom told them so.
6. THE THESAURUS
This person's excrement doesn't stink, what are you talking about? They've been told all year not to use terminology like "microcosm" and "lingua franca" in their opening, juries are f$#*in' dumb. But they get to trial and do it anyway, only to (surprise!) get railed during judge's comments for randomly inserting pseudo-intellectual words. They do this in trial 2 more times before reality sets in and they realize they do, in fact, have to simplify the honors english thesis to a layman's storytelling speech.
7. THE 1L INVITATIONAL JUDGE
The only type of mock trial judge worse than a judge who knows absolutely nothing about AMTA mock trial. This person knows everything about AMTA mock trial-from last year's case-and injects every personal bias into their rulings substantially more than any other judge type might. If female, the 1L Invitational Judge always feels the need to critique your female attorney attire-either for good or bad-1L invitational judge is riding high in her first semester at the region's most prestigious university, so forget the judge's powerpoint, this former 2-year captain perused the case last night, and already subconsciously decided how to rule on every ounce of case law regardless of what either team argues. May I be heard? Only ceremonially.
8. UNTIMELY MOCKCEST
May I approach the witness? Maybe. Predictable in-roster hookups immediately prior to a tournament make for a delicious combo of great entertainment and unpredictable fluctuations of team chemistry.
9. ROUND 1 ROLLOVER
You've been facing ballin' rosters all year at invitationals, only to be paired with the little engine that couldn't for Round 1 of regionals. Your winning point differential will rock the tab room, but so much for test-driving that epic objection rebuttal. Bottle it up for round 3, champ.
10. TAB ROOM GOPHERS
They lurk outside the Tab Room minutes after a round, foaming at the mouth. Thanks to these people, who forgo lunch to get first dibs at results, the 1 person per team in the tab room rule is being followed as strictly as lifeboat regulations on the Titanic, and the AMTA rep is continually about to have a tantrum.
*from "present sense impression"
11. The After Round Judge Hogger
After the round is over and everyone is making the ritual "judge handshake receiving line", he (or she) has to question the judge on everything the judge did that round, from assuring the judge that his (or her) dumb hearsay argument is true because he (or she) watched someone do it on CourtTV, to asking everything the judge thinks he (or she) needs to do to be better for the next round, while the judge glowers at the gunner standing before them. Of course the "after round judge hogger" does not realize this, thus causing the entire line of shaking the some what annoyed judge's hand to become congested while everyone else awkwardly waits in the front of the courtroom.
12. I have 10 Questions- Crosser
This person usually gets passed this by mid-point during the year, if they are like most people. It usually comes about early on during the crosser's mock career. They are getting ready for their first invitational; kind of nervous; kind of doesn't know what to expect; but definitely knows that they need to ask approximately ten questions during their cross. The crosser writes out these ten questions expecting specific yes or no responses because that is what the crosser has been told. When trial comes "I have 10 questions-crosser" stands up, begins their cross, and asks those exact ten questions. What makes "I have 10 questions-crosser" unique is that they don't listen to what the witness has responded with. Or if they do, they aren't too sure how to adapt to these new responses. "I have 10 questions-crosser' usually becomes "I can listen to the witness and change up my questions-crosser" as they move through their mock career, and hopefully for the sake of the other two members on their bench this comes sooner than later.
13. Opener Reciter
This person recites their opening constantly during the weekend of the competition. They recite it in the shower at 5:30am waking up their sleeping teammates. They recite it in the hallway of the hotel, the stairwell of the hotel, and sometimes in front of the hotel confusing the guests who aren't quite used to people who talk to themselves. What makes the "opener reciter" different from openers who just aren't prepared, is that the "opener reciter" is the person whom you keep running into in the hall of the courthouse/classroom building who is talking to a wall while you are wandering all over the place for the bathroom before your round begins (or maybe you are the one talking to the wall).
14. The Smoker BFF
This person is the one outside smoking before every round, immediately after every round, sometimes during every round. "Smoker BFF" doesn't like to smoke alone though so he makes friends with the people around him: other smokers. He initiates conversation with these other smokers who are also competitors by asking for a light or maybe even a cigarette, even though he may already have both. He talks to them about the round (because most of the time the other competitors are the team he just faced), the dumb judge (because all judges are dumb apparently), and the other teams both have played. "Smoker BFF" is probably the reason why you got runner up for Spirit of AMTA, but most of the time he is the reason why you were late to the captains meeting.
*from "mockboxoflove"
15. 2 Minute and 46 second Opening
This person does their opening at the speed where everyone jokingly wonders whether they are under the influence of stimulants. Usually a freshman prosecution opener who was ballin' in practice but gets a bad case of the nerves when they're the first person to stand up and have to say something in actual competition. See also: me and you, 2-3 years ago.
16. IMDB.com Closing
IMDB Closer thought that clever reference to Gossip Girl was going to score her a 10. I mean, it was such a PERFECT analogy, right? Psych. The presiding judge is a 72 year old man who has no idea wtf you're talking about. Back to the drawing board for a much more general pop culture reference...Oprah? Shawshank Redemption??? Or, better yet, no reference at all. When the Round 3 judges are 20-something females, however, IMDB closer decides to give the ol' reference machine a go. Fast forward to judges' comments: "Yeahhhh, I've never seen The Notebook, so I didn't really get your theme of Jacob Bennett being like Rachael MacAdams..." Awkward.
17. Derailed Crosser
This cross was going swimmingly until about 5 questions in, when the witness cleverly evades Derailed Crosser's pet issue that they looooove so much. What was once a 5-minute cross is about to turn into a 17 minute cross including 3 shotty attempts to impeach by omission. Derailed Crosser loses 70% of their poise, gets all flustered and launches into a flurry of discombobulated follow-up questions, trying to get the witness to say exactly what Derailed Crosser wants, which, of course is never going to happen.
18. Spirit of AMTA Fairytale
Should they really have won Spirit of AMTA, of were they just the crappiest team that everyone pities?
19. Perjuries Lurker
This person's team either has a "don't use perjuries" policy or they are too skittish to post...yet. They silently vote on polls and play Word Association until their mouth opens in gaping horror when someone posts an embarrassing quote of theirs on the "Ridiculous Mock Trial Quotes 09-10" thread. Typing feverishly, Perjuries Lurker immediately registers an account and begins posting.
*from "present sense impression"
20. People Who Suck At Mock Trial
Individuals (or whole teams) who just shouldnt do the activity. You shiver as you think these are the future trial lawyers of America as you listen to their poorly scripted direct, even worse cross, and by the end of the round you really couldnt care what else they say. Shaking their hand and saying "Good round" pains you because of how bad they were. Unfortunately, the worst part of the whole thing is when a bad team hits an equally as bad team and neither of them ever realize how God-awful they really are. They compose nearly 50% of the total participants of mock trial and an astonishing 75% of Perjuries posters.
*from "mockster"
21.The Melodramatic Team.
The entire team is a dysfunctional family. Mockcest is rampant. 98% of their facebook wall and 99% of their email box is about mock trial....and none of it has anything to do with arguments, strategy or anything at all related in any way to mock trial. They are the team most likely to have a last minute emergency and the team most likely to run to the tabroom if someone on the other team sneezes in the direction of their coach. They have more drama surrounding them than a daytime soap opera and MTV is considering doing a reality show about them.
*from "googly moogly"
all of these were taken from http://www.perjuries.com
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Theme Hatin'
Well folks, we're heading into the holiday season! That means rearranging of teams, parts and all kinds of holiday parties that facilitate bad decisions and mockcest. With the rearranging of teams comes new counsel tables and with new counsel tables comes new themes. Ah, the theme. Now some would argue the theme is a necessity for great college mocking, judges love 'em and I dread the hours long process of hammering out a theme. Each word is painstakingly decided. Said and said again, does it sound right? Can our closer really say that without sounding like a total douche? I'm not sure what the process is for other programs in regards to themes, but in all my years of mocking, I've seen some pretty freaking horrible themes, so here's a list of a few of our favorites, since hatin' is our favorite hobby next to mocking.
"When you put the pieces together (insert large hand gesture wherein which opposing counsel "collects" the pieces) the picture becomes clear." (Vanna White hands here)
- I can't even remember what team used this, so they must have been awesome, but anytime you use wide, sweeping hand gestures you look ridiculous. Also, aren't pieces for a puzzle? I'm not sure what really constitutes a picture, pixels perhaps? Pieces? I think not.
"White Noise"
- Revisiting one of my all time favorite themes from last year! The white noise defense for Blitz News Network was about as useful as a Randy Schiltz call in 2007. What the FUCK does white noise have to do with ANYTHING?! I'm not sure I'll ever understand what this theme was about, perhaps it's a generational thing, opposing counsel had a good 20 years on everyone on my team. Ah, non-traditional mockers. My favorite!
"Faces and Vases"
- This theme came complete with an optical illusion demostrative! Oh boy! The old vases and faces picture, like something you discovered in 5th grade on the internet and showed all your friends because you thought it was soooo cool. It's not cool, it's a terrible theme, and again, remind me how this relates to case. I don't walk into the courtroom and unveil a fucking Magic Eye that looks like a Maserati if you stare at it long enough. Why the poster? You used like 65 demonstratives and half of them got excluded because they were more prejudicial. Save your money next time at Kinkos and just come up with a better theme.
"Square peg in a round hole"
- Square Pegs is a television show Sarah Jessica Parker wants to forget about and this theme is one I want to forget about. What did you do? Watch Apollo 13 and brainstorm? I only like idioms when a non-native English speaker uses them; for example, a drunk Russian in a New Jersey bar saying, "Oh I am three sheet to the wind!" (been there, seen that) but I digress. Bad theme, period.
"Blinded by the light"
- Manfred Mann's Earth Band AND The Boss called, they want their song back. Everytime counsel said this one, I was taken back to Johnny Depp as George Jung in the classic film Blow, and wanted to hum along. Was Midlands PD also revved up like a deuce? I rest my case.
I'll leave it at this for now, but it's a tag team post, so my partner in crime will post some her favorites soon.
Happy Mocking
-C
"When you put the pieces together (insert large hand gesture wherein which opposing counsel "collects" the pieces) the picture becomes clear." (Vanna White hands here)
- I can't even remember what team used this, so they must have been awesome, but anytime you use wide, sweeping hand gestures you look ridiculous. Also, aren't pieces for a puzzle? I'm not sure what really constitutes a picture, pixels perhaps? Pieces? I think not.
"White Noise"
- Revisiting one of my all time favorite themes from last year! The white noise defense for Blitz News Network was about as useful as a Randy Schiltz call in 2007. What the FUCK does white noise have to do with ANYTHING?! I'm not sure I'll ever understand what this theme was about, perhaps it's a generational thing, opposing counsel had a good 20 years on everyone on my team. Ah, non-traditional mockers. My favorite!
"Faces and Vases"
- This theme came complete with an optical illusion demostrative! Oh boy! The old vases and faces picture, like something you discovered in 5th grade on the internet and showed all your friends because you thought it was soooo cool. It's not cool, it's a terrible theme, and again, remind me how this relates to case. I don't walk into the courtroom and unveil a fucking Magic Eye that looks like a Maserati if you stare at it long enough. Why the poster? You used like 65 demonstratives and half of them got excluded because they were more prejudicial. Save your money next time at Kinkos and just come up with a better theme.
"Square peg in a round hole"
- Square Pegs is a television show Sarah Jessica Parker wants to forget about and this theme is one I want to forget about. What did you do? Watch Apollo 13 and brainstorm? I only like idioms when a non-native English speaker uses them; for example, a drunk Russian in a New Jersey bar saying, "Oh I am three sheet to the wind!" (been there, seen that) but I digress. Bad theme, period.
"Blinded by the light"
- Manfred Mann's Earth Band AND The Boss called, they want their song back. Everytime counsel said this one, I was taken back to Johnny Depp as George Jung in the classic film Blow, and wanted to hum along. Was Midlands PD also revved up like a deuce? I rest my case.
I'll leave it at this for now, but it's a tag team post, so my partner in crime will post some her favorites soon.
Happy Mocking
-C
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
A Message to all Name-Sayers
We recently traveled further west in a compact van than any sane person ever should. But who am I kidding, no one who spends as much time as we do in the mock trial world is sane. Nevertheless, I urge you to read this post with an understanding that the message within is vitally important to each and every mocker in these great United States. Yes, I just utilized the America defense.
Today's blog post is a call to action. It is both a plea and an attempt to galvanize each and every mocker to rise up and just say SHUT THE EFF UP. I am, of course, talking about opposing counsel's decision to use the first and/or last names of the other counsel table during a trial.
Upon arrival in this strange and foreign western land, we were poised to both kick ass and have fun. As per usual, we succeeded in each goal. However, the four trials held at this tournament showcased that even after years of mocking, using opposing counsel's name during an open, a direct, a cross, or a close is both 1) douchy, and 2) just plain awkward. If you are one of these name-callers I ask you with the utmost sincerity to just stop. Cease and desist. You sound like an absolute dick.
Why is being a name-sayer douchy, you ask?
Some of you may argue in the right context, using opposing counsel's name is an effective tool to make them look stupid. In response, I can say with absolute certainty that you have absolutely no idea how to pronounce my last name, nor will you pronounce the last name of my co-counsel correctly. Thus, you will look stupid. Point: my team. Honestly, from the moment your team walks into the courtroom to go against mine, I don't like you. I don't want to know you, your name, or hear you slaughter my last name in the douchiest way possible. I just want to kick your ass up and down the courtroom.
And why is name-saying so damn awkward?
Imagine first that you are outside of the world of mock trial. Imagine instead that you are in the midst of a hook-up. Don't pretend this is a stretch. You're a mocker, and as such, hooking up is one of your past times. Okay, now...the person you are hooking up with is using your name, your first name, quite excessively. How do you reciprocate? Why is this person saying your name so much? Why can't this person just can it?
This same principle is applicable to a trial. When you botch either a first or last name and then proceed to get corrected, it's awkward. When the judge remembers opposing counsel's name instead of yours, it's awkward. And I'm going to go ahead and say it - when you remember one of opposing counsel's names after a trial, it's not only awkward...it's downright creepy.
For those of you who are name-sayers, take a deep breath. I know this may be a tough pill to swallow. It is my hope that you realize what a dick you have been, and never use opposing counsel's first or last name during a trial ever again. If you know someone who is a name-sayer, intervene. Please.
Well, that's the rant of the day. May you never, ever, be one of those douche bags who say my name...during a trial, that is.
Today's blog post is a call to action. It is both a plea and an attempt to galvanize each and every mocker to rise up and just say SHUT THE EFF UP. I am, of course, talking about opposing counsel's decision to use the first and/or last names of the other counsel table during a trial.
Upon arrival in this strange and foreign western land, we were poised to both kick ass and have fun. As per usual, we succeeded in each goal. However, the four trials held at this tournament showcased that even after years of mocking, using opposing counsel's name during an open, a direct, a cross, or a close is both 1) douchy, and 2) just plain awkward. If you are one of these name-callers I ask you with the utmost sincerity to just stop. Cease and desist. You sound like an absolute dick.
Why is being a name-sayer douchy, you ask?
Some of you may argue in the right context, using opposing counsel's name is an effective tool to make them look stupid. In response, I can say with absolute certainty that you have absolutely no idea how to pronounce my last name, nor will you pronounce the last name of my co-counsel correctly. Thus, you will look stupid. Point: my team. Honestly, from the moment your team walks into the courtroom to go against mine, I don't like you. I don't want to know you, your name, or hear you slaughter my last name in the douchiest way possible. I just want to kick your ass up and down the courtroom.
And why is name-saying so damn awkward?
Imagine first that you are outside of the world of mock trial. Imagine instead that you are in the midst of a hook-up. Don't pretend this is a stretch. You're a mocker, and as such, hooking up is one of your past times. Okay, now...the person you are hooking up with is using your name, your first name, quite excessively. How do you reciprocate? Why is this person saying your name so much? Why can't this person just can it?
This same principle is applicable to a trial. When you botch either a first or last name and then proceed to get corrected, it's awkward. When the judge remembers opposing counsel's name instead of yours, it's awkward. And I'm going to go ahead and say it - when you remember one of opposing counsel's names after a trial, it's not only awkward...it's downright creepy.
For those of you who are name-sayers, take a deep breath. I know this may be a tough pill to swallow. It is my hope that you realize what a dick you have been, and never use opposing counsel's first or last name during a trial ever again. If you know someone who is a name-sayer, intervene. Please.
Well, that's the rant of the day. May you never, ever, be one of those douche bags who say my name...during a trial, that is.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Yale lost to...ELGIN?!
I'm sorry Ivy League Mockers, but you lost a bit of dignity with this one...
http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local-beat/Elgin-Community-College-Beats-Yale-in-Mock-Trial-Competition-69657277.html?yhp=1
Looks like Elgin Community College laid the smackdown on Yale. Rut Roh! I can't even comment on this because it will be horribly offensive and I'm laughing at Yale too hard right now to really concentrate. I will say one thing, teams who play dirty will always lose in the long run (assuming they encounter me on counsel table) and ECC has crossed the line of acceptable shit to pull in a trial. Plus, last time I encountered this team, they were using notes. WTF.
ALSO Elgin has a twitter? that's even lamer than this blog!!
http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local-beat/Elgin-Community-College-Beats-Yale-in-Mock-Trial-Competition-69657277.html?yhp=1
Looks like Elgin Community College laid the smackdown on Yale. Rut Roh! I can't even comment on this because it will be horribly offensive and I'm laughing at Yale too hard right now to really concentrate. I will say one thing, teams who play dirty will always lose in the long run (assuming they encounter me on counsel table) and ECC has crossed the line of acceptable shit to pull in a trial. Plus, last time I encountered this team, they were using notes. WTF.
ALSO Elgin has a twitter? that's even lamer than this blog!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
a little something we discovered
So while being extra-productive (as always) at practice, we happened to stumble upon this...
http://www.maseratilife.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8428
Hunter Baxamusa doesn't seem as credible as he claims to be. Perhaps that poster he stole from the local dealership didn't give him all the information he needed to identify the Maserati on June 16th.
I also hope this Bax's team goes with Wassy's observation : "I smell setup"
Just thought I'd share this little gem with you all, and now I must go, lots of work to do before we venture west this weekend. Expect updates!
http://www.maseratilife.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8428
Hunter Baxamusa doesn't seem as credible as he claims to be. Perhaps that poster he stole from the local dealership didn't give him all the information he needed to identify the Maserati on June 16th.
I also hope this Bax's team goes with Wassy's observation : "I smell setup"
Just thought I'd share this little gem with you all, and now I must go, lots of work to do before we venture west this weekend. Expect updates!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
horrifying tales from the deep south
Well us Yanks survived our trip to the South, where astro vans get pushed along main roads and confederate flags are displayed with pride. Seeing as it's almost Halloween, we thought we'd share some of our scariest stories from the trip!
***DISCLAIMER*** ALL UNIVERSITY NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO SOMETHING FAR MORE OFFENSIVE.
1) Upon arrival, we realized we were not the only mockers staying in our hotel! Oh no, how will we win Spirit of AMTA when the other team hears us talking shit over coffee and bagels in the morning?! Who are we kidding, we'll never win Spirit of AMTA with our current cast of characters. However, one of our mockers had bye-busted in the Cornfields of Iowa with another guest at the hotel. Hailing from a southern school, this sophomore contributed to one of the worst trials I have ever witnessed. After convincing us she gave the plaintiff opening, she delivered an opening statement that would make you cry, and not in a good way. There was actually a moment where she knelt on the ground to simulate the way Drew Walton checked Lane Hamilton's pulse. We won that trial, only because we hit Golden Gate Community College whose entire case theory was that Drew Walton actually killed Lane Hamiliton.
2) The program that considers itself the Ivy League of Ohio was also in attendance last weekend. Now let's discuss a few things about this private college that is so full of itself, it puts us to shame. If you hail from a "college town" where the typical attire includes a Northface, Sperry Topsiders and a Ralph Lauren shirt with at least a 5 inch logo emblazoned on the chest, why the fuck can't you get it together for trial?! This school consistently looks ridiculous, and I'm not just talking about the psuedo boyscout outfit your FEMALE Hunter Baxamusa wore. I am talking about how every single girl in the program thinks it's acceptable and attractive to style their hair as if attending a 1998 prom at Talawanda High School. You look as silly as the "townies" you make fun of all the time.
3) One of our teams hit the aforementioned team, while we'll leave trial details unsaid, I will say this, I hope AMTA sanctions your ass so hard at regionals. If your program is so great, why don't you know the rules?
4) Perhaps the scariest of all: my teams trial versus NTSU (Non-Traditional Student University). This team actually does fairly well for as insane as they all are. Why is that? Well it's easy to win points as a witness when you are the ACTUAL AGE of the witness. Also, some teams find it difficult to cross a mocker who could be their parent or grandparent. We laid the smackdown, first of all, but additionally, let's throw out some quotes from their 55 year old Jackie Owens,"Detective Finch gave me bruises, so many bruises (insert impeachment here) well I didn't include it because I didn't want to get her in trouble..."
"I can't pay off my gambling debts because I'm paying so much for my legal team"
"I don't know what this unsigned threat letter is, this is a movie script! The prosecution labled it wrong in my affidavit"
...and you got a four on cross. I got a ten. Thanks chica!!
So many more horrifying stories about southern judges, wet exhibits and the love child of Philip Seymour Huffman and Elton John, but we're all out of time. Check us out next week!
C&C
***DISCLAIMER*** ALL UNIVERSITY NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO SOMETHING FAR MORE OFFENSIVE.
1) Upon arrival, we realized we were not the only mockers staying in our hotel! Oh no, how will we win Spirit of AMTA when the other team hears us talking shit over coffee and bagels in the morning?! Who are we kidding, we'll never win Spirit of AMTA with our current cast of characters. However, one of our mockers had bye-busted in the Cornfields of Iowa with another guest at the hotel. Hailing from a southern school, this sophomore contributed to one of the worst trials I have ever witnessed. After convincing us she gave the plaintiff opening, she delivered an opening statement that would make you cry, and not in a good way. There was actually a moment where she knelt on the ground to simulate the way Drew Walton checked Lane Hamilton's pulse. We won that trial, only because we hit Golden Gate Community College whose entire case theory was that Drew Walton actually killed Lane Hamiliton.
2) The program that considers itself the Ivy League of Ohio was also in attendance last weekend. Now let's discuss a few things about this private college that is so full of itself, it puts us to shame. If you hail from a "college town" where the typical attire includes a Northface, Sperry Topsiders and a Ralph Lauren shirt with at least a 5 inch logo emblazoned on the chest, why the fuck can't you get it together for trial?! This school consistently looks ridiculous, and I'm not just talking about the psuedo boyscout outfit your FEMALE Hunter Baxamusa wore. I am talking about how every single girl in the program thinks it's acceptable and attractive to style their hair as if attending a 1998 prom at Talawanda High School. You look as silly as the "townies" you make fun of all the time.
3) One of our teams hit the aforementioned team, while we'll leave trial details unsaid, I will say this, I hope AMTA sanctions your ass so hard at regionals. If your program is so great, why don't you know the rules?
4) Perhaps the scariest of all: my teams trial versus NTSU (Non-Traditional Student University). This team actually does fairly well for as insane as they all are. Why is that? Well it's easy to win points as a witness when you are the ACTUAL AGE of the witness. Also, some teams find it difficult to cross a mocker who could be their parent or grandparent. We laid the smackdown, first of all, but additionally, let's throw out some quotes from their 55 year old Jackie Owens,"Detective Finch gave me bruises, so many bruises (insert impeachment here) well I didn't include it because I didn't want to get her in trouble..."
"I can't pay off my gambling debts because I'm paying so much for my legal team"
"I don't know what this unsigned threat letter is, this is a movie script! The prosecution labled it wrong in my affidavit"
...and you got a four on cross. I got a ten. Thanks chica!!
So many more horrifying stories about southern judges, wet exhibits and the love child of Philip Seymour Huffman and Elton John, but we're all out of time. Check us out next week!
C&C
inagural post
Where we're from, each season starts with a party called the "inagural bash." It's a good time to introduce our newbies to all the good things about mock trial, like mockcest and binge drinking. Unfortunately, we can't host an inagural bash for the start of this blog, mostly because it's totally anonymous and only C, C and DBT know about it. Another reason is that it's invitationals season, and two of our teams are heading to heading north to compete. A few of our other teams just got back from a little tournament in the south a few days ago. (Half) our program competed and we raked in the awards, plus scored a nice trophy for being in the top eight. See the next post for complete details on all the exciting things that happened while we were there. Signing off and offering good luck to our other two teams this weekend!!
C&C
C&C
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
