We recently traveled further west in a compact van than any sane person ever should. But who am I kidding, no one who spends as much time as we do in the mock trial world is sane. Nevertheless, I urge you to read this post with an understanding that the message within is vitally important to each and every mocker in these great United States. Yes, I just utilized the America defense.
Today's blog post is a call to action. It is both a plea and an attempt to galvanize each and every mocker to rise up and just say SHUT THE EFF UP. I am, of course, talking about opposing counsel's decision to use the first and/or last names of the other counsel table during a trial.
Upon arrival in this strange and foreign western land, we were poised to both kick ass and have fun. As per usual, we succeeded in each goal. However, the four trials held at this tournament showcased that even after years of mocking, using opposing counsel's name during an open, a direct, a cross, or a close is both 1) douchy, and 2) just plain awkward. If you are one of these name-callers I ask you with the utmost sincerity to just stop. Cease and desist. You sound like an absolute dick.
Why is being a name-sayer douchy, you ask?
Some of you may argue in the right context, using opposing counsel's name is an effective tool to make them look stupid. In response, I can say with absolute certainty that you have absolutely no idea how to pronounce my last name, nor will you pronounce the last name of my co-counsel correctly. Thus, you will look stupid. Point: my team. Honestly, from the moment your team walks into the courtroom to go against mine, I don't like you. I don't want to know you, your name, or hear you slaughter my last name in the douchiest way possible. I just want to kick your ass up and down the courtroom.
And why is name-saying so damn awkward?
Imagine first that you are outside of the world of mock trial. Imagine instead that you are in the midst of a hook-up. Don't pretend this is a stretch. You're a mocker, and as such, hooking up is one of your past times. Okay, now...the person you are hooking up with is using your name, your first name, quite excessively. How do you reciprocate? Why is this person saying your name so much? Why can't this person just can it?
This same principle is applicable to a trial. When you botch either a first or last name and then proceed to get corrected, it's awkward. When the judge remembers opposing counsel's name instead of yours, it's awkward. And I'm going to go ahead and say it - when you remember one of opposing counsel's names after a trial, it's not only awkward...it's downright creepy.
For those of you who are name-sayers, take a deep breath. I know this may be a tough pill to swallow. It is my hope that you realize what a dick you have been, and never use opposing counsel's first or last name during a trial ever again. If you know someone who is a name-sayer, intervene. Please.
Well, that's the rant of the day. May you never, ever, be one of those douche bags who say my name...during a trial, that is.
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