Well folks, we're heading into the holiday season! That means rearranging of teams, parts and all kinds of holiday parties that facilitate bad decisions and mockcest. With the rearranging of teams comes new counsel tables and with new counsel tables comes new themes. Ah, the theme. Now some would argue the theme is a necessity for great college mocking, judges love 'em and I dread the hours long process of hammering out a theme. Each word is painstakingly decided. Said and said again, does it sound right? Can our closer really say that without sounding like a total douche? I'm not sure what the process is for other programs in regards to themes, but in all my years of mocking, I've seen some pretty freaking horrible themes, so here's a list of a few of our favorites, since hatin' is our favorite hobby next to mocking.
"When you put the pieces together (insert large hand gesture wherein which opposing counsel "collects" the pieces) the picture becomes clear." (Vanna White hands here)
- I can't even remember what team used this, so they must have been awesome, but anytime you use wide, sweeping hand gestures you look ridiculous. Also, aren't pieces for a puzzle? I'm not sure what really constitutes a picture, pixels perhaps? Pieces? I think not.
"White Noise"
- Revisiting one of my all time favorite themes from last year! The white noise defense for Blitz News Network was about as useful as a Randy Schiltz call in 2007. What the FUCK does white noise have to do with ANYTHING?! I'm not sure I'll ever understand what this theme was about, perhaps it's a generational thing, opposing counsel had a good 20 years on everyone on my team. Ah, non-traditional mockers. My favorite!
"Faces and Vases"
- This theme came complete with an optical illusion demostrative! Oh boy! The old vases and faces picture, like something you discovered in 5th grade on the internet and showed all your friends because you thought it was soooo cool. It's not cool, it's a terrible theme, and again, remind me how this relates to case. I don't walk into the courtroom and unveil a fucking Magic Eye that looks like a Maserati if you stare at it long enough. Why the poster? You used like 65 demonstratives and half of them got excluded because they were more prejudicial. Save your money next time at Kinkos and just come up with a better theme.
"Square peg in a round hole"
- Square Pegs is a television show Sarah Jessica Parker wants to forget about and this theme is one I want to forget about. What did you do? Watch Apollo 13 and brainstorm? I only like idioms when a non-native English speaker uses them; for example, a drunk Russian in a New Jersey bar saying, "Oh I am three sheet to the wind!" (been there, seen that) but I digress. Bad theme, period.
"Blinded by the light"
- Manfred Mann's Earth Band AND The Boss called, they want their song back. Everytime counsel said this one, I was taken back to Johnny Depp as George Jung in the classic film Blow, and wanted to hum along. Was Midlands PD also revved up like a deuce? I rest my case.
I'll leave it at this for now, but it's a tag team post, so my partner in crime will post some her favorites soon.
Happy Mocking
-C
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
A Message to all Name-Sayers
We recently traveled further west in a compact van than any sane person ever should. But who am I kidding, no one who spends as much time as we do in the mock trial world is sane. Nevertheless, I urge you to read this post with an understanding that the message within is vitally important to each and every mocker in these great United States. Yes, I just utilized the America defense.
Today's blog post is a call to action. It is both a plea and an attempt to galvanize each and every mocker to rise up and just say SHUT THE EFF UP. I am, of course, talking about opposing counsel's decision to use the first and/or last names of the other counsel table during a trial.
Upon arrival in this strange and foreign western land, we were poised to both kick ass and have fun. As per usual, we succeeded in each goal. However, the four trials held at this tournament showcased that even after years of mocking, using opposing counsel's name during an open, a direct, a cross, or a close is both 1) douchy, and 2) just plain awkward. If you are one of these name-callers I ask you with the utmost sincerity to just stop. Cease and desist. You sound like an absolute dick.
Why is being a name-sayer douchy, you ask?
Some of you may argue in the right context, using opposing counsel's name is an effective tool to make them look stupid. In response, I can say with absolute certainty that you have absolutely no idea how to pronounce my last name, nor will you pronounce the last name of my co-counsel correctly. Thus, you will look stupid. Point: my team. Honestly, from the moment your team walks into the courtroom to go against mine, I don't like you. I don't want to know you, your name, or hear you slaughter my last name in the douchiest way possible. I just want to kick your ass up and down the courtroom.
And why is name-saying so damn awkward?
Imagine first that you are outside of the world of mock trial. Imagine instead that you are in the midst of a hook-up. Don't pretend this is a stretch. You're a mocker, and as such, hooking up is one of your past times. Okay, now...the person you are hooking up with is using your name, your first name, quite excessively. How do you reciprocate? Why is this person saying your name so much? Why can't this person just can it?
This same principle is applicable to a trial. When you botch either a first or last name and then proceed to get corrected, it's awkward. When the judge remembers opposing counsel's name instead of yours, it's awkward. And I'm going to go ahead and say it - when you remember one of opposing counsel's names after a trial, it's not only awkward...it's downright creepy.
For those of you who are name-sayers, take a deep breath. I know this may be a tough pill to swallow. It is my hope that you realize what a dick you have been, and never use opposing counsel's first or last name during a trial ever again. If you know someone who is a name-sayer, intervene. Please.
Well, that's the rant of the day. May you never, ever, be one of those douche bags who say my name...during a trial, that is.
Today's blog post is a call to action. It is both a plea and an attempt to galvanize each and every mocker to rise up and just say SHUT THE EFF UP. I am, of course, talking about opposing counsel's decision to use the first and/or last names of the other counsel table during a trial.
Upon arrival in this strange and foreign western land, we were poised to both kick ass and have fun. As per usual, we succeeded in each goal. However, the four trials held at this tournament showcased that even after years of mocking, using opposing counsel's name during an open, a direct, a cross, or a close is both 1) douchy, and 2) just plain awkward. If you are one of these name-callers I ask you with the utmost sincerity to just stop. Cease and desist. You sound like an absolute dick.
Why is being a name-sayer douchy, you ask?
Some of you may argue in the right context, using opposing counsel's name is an effective tool to make them look stupid. In response, I can say with absolute certainty that you have absolutely no idea how to pronounce my last name, nor will you pronounce the last name of my co-counsel correctly. Thus, you will look stupid. Point: my team. Honestly, from the moment your team walks into the courtroom to go against mine, I don't like you. I don't want to know you, your name, or hear you slaughter my last name in the douchiest way possible. I just want to kick your ass up and down the courtroom.
And why is name-saying so damn awkward?
Imagine first that you are outside of the world of mock trial. Imagine instead that you are in the midst of a hook-up. Don't pretend this is a stretch. You're a mocker, and as such, hooking up is one of your past times. Okay, now...the person you are hooking up with is using your name, your first name, quite excessively. How do you reciprocate? Why is this person saying your name so much? Why can't this person just can it?
This same principle is applicable to a trial. When you botch either a first or last name and then proceed to get corrected, it's awkward. When the judge remembers opposing counsel's name instead of yours, it's awkward. And I'm going to go ahead and say it - when you remember one of opposing counsel's names after a trial, it's not only awkward...it's downright creepy.
For those of you who are name-sayers, take a deep breath. I know this may be a tough pill to swallow. It is my hope that you realize what a dick you have been, and never use opposing counsel's first or last name during a trial ever again. If you know someone who is a name-sayer, intervene. Please.
Well, that's the rant of the day. May you never, ever, be one of those douche bags who say my name...during a trial, that is.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Yale lost to...ELGIN?!
I'm sorry Ivy League Mockers, but you lost a bit of dignity with this one...
http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local-beat/Elgin-Community-College-Beats-Yale-in-Mock-Trial-Competition-69657277.html?yhp=1
Looks like Elgin Community College laid the smackdown on Yale. Rut Roh! I can't even comment on this because it will be horribly offensive and I'm laughing at Yale too hard right now to really concentrate. I will say one thing, teams who play dirty will always lose in the long run (assuming they encounter me on counsel table) and ECC has crossed the line of acceptable shit to pull in a trial. Plus, last time I encountered this team, they were using notes. WTF.
ALSO Elgin has a twitter? that's even lamer than this blog!!
http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local-beat/Elgin-Community-College-Beats-Yale-in-Mock-Trial-Competition-69657277.html?yhp=1
Looks like Elgin Community College laid the smackdown on Yale. Rut Roh! I can't even comment on this because it will be horribly offensive and I'm laughing at Yale too hard right now to really concentrate. I will say one thing, teams who play dirty will always lose in the long run (assuming they encounter me on counsel table) and ECC has crossed the line of acceptable shit to pull in a trial. Plus, last time I encountered this team, they were using notes. WTF.
ALSO Elgin has a twitter? that's even lamer than this blog!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
a little something we discovered
So while being extra-productive (as always) at practice, we happened to stumble upon this...
http://www.maseratilife.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8428
Hunter Baxamusa doesn't seem as credible as he claims to be. Perhaps that poster he stole from the local dealership didn't give him all the information he needed to identify the Maserati on June 16th.
I also hope this Bax's team goes with Wassy's observation : "I smell setup"
Just thought I'd share this little gem with you all, and now I must go, lots of work to do before we venture west this weekend. Expect updates!
http://www.maseratilife.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8428
Hunter Baxamusa doesn't seem as credible as he claims to be. Perhaps that poster he stole from the local dealership didn't give him all the information he needed to identify the Maserati on June 16th.
I also hope this Bax's team goes with Wassy's observation : "I smell setup"
Just thought I'd share this little gem with you all, and now I must go, lots of work to do before we venture west this weekend. Expect updates!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
horrifying tales from the deep south
Well us Yanks survived our trip to the South, where astro vans get pushed along main roads and confederate flags are displayed with pride. Seeing as it's almost Halloween, we thought we'd share some of our scariest stories from the trip!
***DISCLAIMER*** ALL UNIVERSITY NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO SOMETHING FAR MORE OFFENSIVE.
1) Upon arrival, we realized we were not the only mockers staying in our hotel! Oh no, how will we win Spirit of AMTA when the other team hears us talking shit over coffee and bagels in the morning?! Who are we kidding, we'll never win Spirit of AMTA with our current cast of characters. However, one of our mockers had bye-busted in the Cornfields of Iowa with another guest at the hotel. Hailing from a southern school, this sophomore contributed to one of the worst trials I have ever witnessed. After convincing us she gave the plaintiff opening, she delivered an opening statement that would make you cry, and not in a good way. There was actually a moment where she knelt on the ground to simulate the way Drew Walton checked Lane Hamilton's pulse. We won that trial, only because we hit Golden Gate Community College whose entire case theory was that Drew Walton actually killed Lane Hamiliton.
2) The program that considers itself the Ivy League of Ohio was also in attendance last weekend. Now let's discuss a few things about this private college that is so full of itself, it puts us to shame. If you hail from a "college town" where the typical attire includes a Northface, Sperry Topsiders and a Ralph Lauren shirt with at least a 5 inch logo emblazoned on the chest, why the fuck can't you get it together for trial?! This school consistently looks ridiculous, and I'm not just talking about the psuedo boyscout outfit your FEMALE Hunter Baxamusa wore. I am talking about how every single girl in the program thinks it's acceptable and attractive to style their hair as if attending a 1998 prom at Talawanda High School. You look as silly as the "townies" you make fun of all the time.
3) One of our teams hit the aforementioned team, while we'll leave trial details unsaid, I will say this, I hope AMTA sanctions your ass so hard at regionals. If your program is so great, why don't you know the rules?
4) Perhaps the scariest of all: my teams trial versus NTSU (Non-Traditional Student University). This team actually does fairly well for as insane as they all are. Why is that? Well it's easy to win points as a witness when you are the ACTUAL AGE of the witness. Also, some teams find it difficult to cross a mocker who could be their parent or grandparent. We laid the smackdown, first of all, but additionally, let's throw out some quotes from their 55 year old Jackie Owens,"Detective Finch gave me bruises, so many bruises (insert impeachment here) well I didn't include it because I didn't want to get her in trouble..."
"I can't pay off my gambling debts because I'm paying so much for my legal team"
"I don't know what this unsigned threat letter is, this is a movie script! The prosecution labled it wrong in my affidavit"
...and you got a four on cross. I got a ten. Thanks chica!!
So many more horrifying stories about southern judges, wet exhibits and the love child of Philip Seymour Huffman and Elton John, but we're all out of time. Check us out next week!
C&C
***DISCLAIMER*** ALL UNIVERSITY NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO SOMETHING FAR MORE OFFENSIVE.
1) Upon arrival, we realized we were not the only mockers staying in our hotel! Oh no, how will we win Spirit of AMTA when the other team hears us talking shit over coffee and bagels in the morning?! Who are we kidding, we'll never win Spirit of AMTA with our current cast of characters. However, one of our mockers had bye-busted in the Cornfields of Iowa with another guest at the hotel. Hailing from a southern school, this sophomore contributed to one of the worst trials I have ever witnessed. After convincing us she gave the plaintiff opening, she delivered an opening statement that would make you cry, and not in a good way. There was actually a moment where she knelt on the ground to simulate the way Drew Walton checked Lane Hamilton's pulse. We won that trial, only because we hit Golden Gate Community College whose entire case theory was that Drew Walton actually killed Lane Hamiliton.
2) The program that considers itself the Ivy League of Ohio was also in attendance last weekend. Now let's discuss a few things about this private college that is so full of itself, it puts us to shame. If you hail from a "college town" where the typical attire includes a Northface, Sperry Topsiders and a Ralph Lauren shirt with at least a 5 inch logo emblazoned on the chest, why the fuck can't you get it together for trial?! This school consistently looks ridiculous, and I'm not just talking about the psuedo boyscout outfit your FEMALE Hunter Baxamusa wore. I am talking about how every single girl in the program thinks it's acceptable and attractive to style their hair as if attending a 1998 prom at Talawanda High School. You look as silly as the "townies" you make fun of all the time.
3) One of our teams hit the aforementioned team, while we'll leave trial details unsaid, I will say this, I hope AMTA sanctions your ass so hard at regionals. If your program is so great, why don't you know the rules?
4) Perhaps the scariest of all: my teams trial versus NTSU (Non-Traditional Student University). This team actually does fairly well for as insane as they all are. Why is that? Well it's easy to win points as a witness when you are the ACTUAL AGE of the witness. Also, some teams find it difficult to cross a mocker who could be their parent or grandparent. We laid the smackdown, first of all, but additionally, let's throw out some quotes from their 55 year old Jackie Owens,"Detective Finch gave me bruises, so many bruises (insert impeachment here) well I didn't include it because I didn't want to get her in trouble..."
"I can't pay off my gambling debts because I'm paying so much for my legal team"
"I don't know what this unsigned threat letter is, this is a movie script! The prosecution labled it wrong in my affidavit"
...and you got a four on cross. I got a ten. Thanks chica!!
So many more horrifying stories about southern judges, wet exhibits and the love child of Philip Seymour Huffman and Elton John, but we're all out of time. Check us out next week!
C&C
inagural post
Where we're from, each season starts with a party called the "inagural bash." It's a good time to introduce our newbies to all the good things about mock trial, like mockcest and binge drinking. Unfortunately, we can't host an inagural bash for the start of this blog, mostly because it's totally anonymous and only C, C and DBT know about it. Another reason is that it's invitationals season, and two of our teams are heading to heading north to compete. A few of our other teams just got back from a little tournament in the south a few days ago. (Half) our program competed and we raked in the awards, plus scored a nice trophy for being in the top eight. See the next post for complete details on all the exciting things that happened while we were there. Signing off and offering good luck to our other two teams this weekend!!
C&C
C&C
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